D/s and Abusive Relationships

It’s rare that I post on a completely personal issue, but I came across a blog post yesterday and so many things about it resonated with me that I had to write something, if only briefly, on it, and make you aware of the post itself.

If you know Kayla Lords and her website at all, you may have already seen the superb, honest, and insightful guest post by Coffee and Kink, on BDSM, D/s relationships in particular, and the potential for abuse within them. The post is very much weighted towards being able to identify the signs of an abusive relationship. In reading, I realised that much of these same identifiers apply outside of a D/s, or even a sexual, relationship too, and it made me wish I’d had access to this information years ago, and been able to understand what it means for me.

I want to make it very clear that I do NOT in any way believe that D/s is a dreadful, terrible thing to be avoided at all costs. Very much the opposite, in fact. But I do think it important to recognise that sometimes a relationship, whether D/s or otherwise, whether sexual or otherwise, can be vulnerable to an abusive ‘other’, and this is what Coffee and Kink’s post makes very clear.

It takes someone very special to prise from me any information about the abusive experiences I have had, or seen up close, throughout my life. If you know anything at all about me on a deeply personal level, consider yourself one of those very few people. While my experiences with physical, psychological, emotional and sexual abuse will be vastly different to other people’s, and nothing like as serious as some experiences people go through, they are nevertheless personal and important to me, and each one has affected me greatly, in ways that very few people ever truly see.

To read a post, then, which makes it clear that, yes, you should remove yourself from this kind of relationship, but also recognises that it’s not always that easy, or that we don’t even realise (or want to realise, maybe) that we are caught in an abusive situation because it has become a way of life and it’s what we have come to expect from the situation we are in, is good to read. It makes me feel that I’m not utterly stupid after all for not being able to identify what was happening to me, or not being in a position at that time to be able to either fight back or control it. It handles the issue with great sensitivity, brought about by Coffee and Kink’s own personal insight into it as she uses her own experience to help articulate her message. The post can be found using the following link:


If you do nothing else today, I would urge you to read Coffee and Kink’s post. She is braver in what she has to say than I am, and you may learn a lot more about yourself, and any relationships you are in, whether sexual or otherwise, by doing so. If by sharing her post I manage to help someone, even in a small way, I shall consider my own meagre effort here worth every word.

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