I am very excited to be Blissemas Elf number fourteen, today! I don’t know about your house, but in mine at this time of year, Christmas wishes are foremost on the younger inhabitants’ minds. When someone asks me, “What do you want for Christmas?” though, I invariably haven’t a clue because I’ve not given it a thought. I decided that I should remedy that and create my very own wish list — but not one that includes bubble bath and slippers. I thought it would be much more fun to make a list of sexy wishes, and mostly ones that actually cost very little except time and thought and a whole sackload of sexiness. I never have been one for ‘grand gesture’ presents; little things that have special meaning are far more my style.
So… here’s my Twelve Naughty and Nice Days of Christmas wish list. Whether I’ve been nice this year, or a naughty little elf, and whether I will get my wishes, I’ll leave entirely up to your imagination!(If you’ve not yet visited the other Elves’ blog posts of Blissemas present, be sure to — and remember to visit the Blissemas elves yet to come this year. You can also find the Elves of Christmas Past there, too. And don’t forget to enter the competition to win a Kindle Fire 7 full of sexy stories.)
- Mistletoe Missives
Tradition states that you’re not meant to encounter a piece of hanging mistletoe at Christmas without kissing the person who is under it with you. So I wish for mistletoe everywhere, from the kitchen to the bedroom because I just love kissing. But let’s make this a little more interesting than endless Christmas snogging (not that I have a problem with that!). How about each piece of mistletoe hanging with instructions attached, detailing where each of these kisses should be placed?
I have never hung mistletoe in my house. I really think I should…
2. Being on the Naughty List
Oooh, this wish could be fun! Imagine being over a loved one’s knee and confessing to Santa all the naughty things you’ve done this year. And Santa gets the final decision on what punishment is due for each naughtiness. I can just imagine the line-up of twitchy palm and accompanying tinsel-decorated implements… Or maybe submitting a list of naughty confessions in advance means that Santa has a very special ‘present’ for each one as you confess the items on your Naughty List, instead. Or how about both? I wonder if I’d want to ever get to the end of the list?
If I have to choose (which I do, because it’s my wish list!) then I wish to be over Santa’s knee, waiting for that nice twitchy palm to find a seasonal remedy for my naughtiness.
Who doesn’t want to have rosy cheeks in the winter?
3. Naughtily delicious Christmas stockings
I spend a ludicrous amount of time finding things to put in Christmas stockings each year. But I’ve never had one of my own. (Having said that, no one has ever believed me when I say that I’d like a book voucher for Christmas, or that a grow-bag full of compost to stand in might be useful for me – well, it works for tomato plants).
So I wish for a stocking full of tasty – and preferably shareable – treats because I just love the thought of parting my lips, ready for my loved one to pop something yummy between them. And something else, something edible to wear that can be licked…and sucked…and bitten off me. In case you’re wondering how you can make this yourself, have a look here (okay, so the link’s for Valentine’s Day, but if you’re having your clothes licked off, does it matter?!).
4. A fantasy Christmas
I wish… for a snuggly duvet. Okay, so that sounds pretty boring (if at least warm enough to stop my icicle toes from freezing someone’s bits off!). How about this, then? We whisper our most secret fantasies, curled up in a duvet with mince pies and a hot chocolate with dunking marshmallows. And then spend all the holiday under that duvet fulfilling them with each other. (And if we don’t manage to fulfil them, I can always write about them! Could make for very interesting blog posts in 2018…).
5. Being Santa’s Naughty Elf
I’m possibly the perfect height to be an elf! But what’s the point in being Santa’s Little Helper if I can’t be a naughty elf? When Santa is inspecting the presents at the bench, pressing himself hard against the wood, where else would Naughty Elf be but under the bench, finding her own present to play with? Every time Santa loads his sack, I come along and…you get the idea! OOOOH, I wish, I wish, I wish to be Santa’s Naughty Elf.
6. Two turtle doves
I read all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, and this wish is described in Siobhan Kelly’s The Little Bit Naughty Sex Positions. Everyone deserves a bit of relaxation and snuggle time and I (and my imagination) fell in love with the potential for the wintry sensuality of a candle-lit or fireside version of being one of a pair of turtle doves. It’s very simple: Sit facing each other, legs wrapped around each other’s backs and inch together slowly, until he slips gently inside (feel free to interpret and adapt to suit any sexual orientation). Can you imagine this, naked and alone, candles flickering, with eyes locked on one another as… Sorry. I drifted…
7. A very special visit to Santa
It’s a long time since I sat on Santa’s knee to tell him what I wish for. In fact, the last time, I was with my brother, who was so terrified he screamed the entire time and my mum was so embarrassed that she just about broke the world record for speedy store exits! Now I’m all grown up (actually, I’m not; I’m a little girl at heart), my wish is to sit on my Santa’s lap while he holds onto me tight — so I don’t fall off, of course — and tell him the one thing I really want for Christmas. And if I sit there long enough, I just might get it!
And you know that a Naughty Girl always ends up over Santa’s knee, too…!
8. Naughty and nice decorations (every one of them home-made)
When I began to decorate the Christmas tree this year, it went something like this: I hit myself on the head with the tree, got stuck in the wires on the lights (but I did remember to make sure they were working before I shoved a bulb up the angel’s bottom), the tinsel fell apart in my hand and the baubles kept coming unstrung. And I found myself wishing that I had something else much nicer and more fun to decorate the tree with.
Thus was born my next wish for chocolate (boy, did I want chocolate!). I wish for home-made chocolate decorations and peppermint creams, which I have always loved since I was very small. My mum used to make them for my grandad every year. I wish to wrap mine, string them and hang them, but not before my very own Santa’s hands go on a yummy, sexy search, convinced I must have secreted some about my person. Mmmmm…
So there’s the ‘nice’. Now – about the ‘naughty’ decorations: little ‘word presents’ in hanging envelopes containing each of the tasty goodies, with a room written on the front, and each starting with “Come get your…” Hang these on a tree in your bedroom, maybe. Unless you really want your guests to play with your decorations!
9. A gift for the easily distracted reader
Actually, I’m not an easily distracted reader. Give me an Agatha Christie and I won’t come up for air until I discover exactly whodunnit. But I’m perfectly happy to be distracted, should it be worth my while! So I wish for an exchange of gifts — to be given a book to read that I could never dream of putting down, and return the gift with a kiss-shaped envelope containing just two sentences on a red piece of paper: “Now find a way to make me put it down. No hands allowed.”
Not coming up for air until we ‘dunnit’ sounds like a way to get me to abandon all the clues and jump straight to (or is it on?) the end and savour every moment.
10. A Christmas calendar
I am, quite possibly, a little bit sad, deranged or otherwise boring, but I happen to love calendars and planners and diaries.
But I don’t wish for an ordinary calendar, one that has a page per month with each day given its own space for the chaos that happens in my household and which I can’t keep track of otherwise. What I wish for is a time-stamped picture calendar, one picture for every one of twelve consecutive Christmas Day hours with its own sexy strapline, on the hour, and that represents something which connects us, and only us, intimately.
This really is a Christmas wish where the thought is what counts — and imagination can run riot!
11. Being the present
Okay, so, confession time. I have only once been wrapped up in something resembling present-style and presented to the world — or at least one exclusive part of it — in such bindings. For more information, please contact certain university friends of mine (you know who you are. At least you took me upstairs in the end).
But being the present would be just perfect this Christmas. So I wish for a gigantic length of red velvety ribbon (silk crinkles; present ribbon can be dangerous and pull tight unexpectedly), so I can wrap my naked self, to be opened by my Santa. I can just imagine his face as he pulls the bow undone and watches the wrapping fall away to reveal his gift. 😉
12. When Santa is all done…
…then finally, my wish, when all the Christmas chaos has exhausted my poor Santa, is to find a log cabin. I don’t care where it is — an idyllic snowscape would be perfect. It would have a massive armchair built for two to snuggle up on, a huge bed high up in the roof, and a beautiful roaring fire with a hearth rug big enough to lay there, wrapped only in a blanket of love and lust, ready to make my Santa happy after all his ‘hard’ work.
What can I say? Snow is sexy and roaring fires make me horny!
So there you have it: my twelve Sexy Christmas wishes.
Merry Blissemas and, as always, happy reading!
Love Ina x