I keep meaning to contribute to more memes, and I’m determined to attempt as many as I can, as often as I can, from now on. As I hardly ever write about myself (in a non-fiction manner) on my blog, this is one of the more challenging memes for me. This is my first TMI Tuesday; I’m hoping to be broken in gently!
You can find this week’s TMI Tuesday post here, together with links to everyone’s answers to the following questions. And here are mine!
- Picture the child you once were, what did that child do very well?
She was good at hiding from people, even if she was there in the same room. She was excellent at ensuring no one really knew what she was thinking or feeling. And she was definitely great at sitting on the floor at her extended family’s feet, listening to the arguments, the swearing, watching the smoke swirling and rising to the ceiling, and knowing, even then, that her family was really weird.
- What are you really good at now?
I’m particularly good at not blowing my own trumpet and being self-deprecating, so this is a difficult question for me. I guess I’m really good at listening to people, at maintaining a confidence, and giving my love, care and attention to those (and only those) who deserve it. I learned that the hard way. Talking of…
- Did you ever expect love in return and not get it?
I think ‘expect’ might not be quite the right word for me, because even as a child I never expected anything. ‘Wanted’ and ‘yearned for’ might be better descriptions. There have been several instances of that in my life, beginning with my maternal grandfather (who I have mentioned in previous blog posts). It’s soul-destroying to be told, as a small child, sat at your grandad’s feet, that you’re not good enough because you’re a girl, that you’re a waste of space because you’re only good enough for “growing up, getting married and having babies”; to know that you’re nothing more than a disappointment to be ignored, when all you really want is to please, and to get a cuddle. Or even a smile. As a result, I spent a long time trying to gain the approval of men who came into my life, more often than not to my detriment, because they didn’t deserve my love in the first place.
- Who do you need to get in touch with because it has been so long?
Funny question, because two people I knew from when I was four have contacted me in the last 24 hours! There are a couple of friends I would love to see; one I haven’t seen in almost twenty years, the other for about twenty-five years. I think it would take a fair bit of organising!
- What are your thoughts on this:“Every woman deserves her special day. I get that. But does it really have to cost so much fucking money? I mean, c’mon. If you’re serious about building a future with a guy, why bankrupt him?”
Well, I’ve had my “special day” – a long time ago. I’m not at all sure I felt like I deserved it. I felt really guilty that my parents were paying for everything, my mum was running round like a headless chicken, and they gave up something really important to them so that it could happen when and where it did. Because of that, I picked the cheapest wedding dress I could find, because they wouldn’t let me pay for anything. Did I enjoy it? Not particularly. Then I spent my wedding night contemplating sleeping in the bath to put an extra wall between me and the drunken guests (one of which was someone I worked with) in the next room who spent all night banging on the wall and shouting, “Listen, are they doing it? Can you hear them doing it?” The only thing that stopped me reporting them to the management was that I thought one of them was my brother. He’d shown a lot of interest in my work colleague’s friend earlier in the day. Was it? No, it bloody wasn’t. It was his best friend, who I couldn’t stand!
But I digress. No, I don’t think that any wedding should bankrupt the poor guy you plan on spending you’re life with. That’s kinda counter-productive! For me, I’d not be interested in something huge and extravagant again. Most important to me would be the love of the man in question, and to share the day with those who mean the most to me. If we could have the day in a place that would make my man really happy, I couldn’t ask for more than that. And I wouldn’t care if we all just nipped out for a bag of fish and chips!
Bonus: What is your number one priority?
That’s easy. My priority, first, last and always, is making sure my loved ones are safe, protected, supported and encouraged, and know they are loved, every single day.